Before my boyfriend and I met, my so-called love life was broken up by what felt like a handful of "things", phases of "talking-tos", and a few very complicated relationship-ishs. When Adam and I eventually met back in April 2013, I wasn't accustomed to the idea that this one person (who, by the way, quite literally had me at hello) would become my one person. Consequently, in the early days, I was scared all of the time. And I mean, literally, all of the time. Back then, I had a lot of anxieties surrounding relationships. I suppose I had previous negative experiences and boatloads of self-doubt to thank for that. See, things were good. Like, really good. But my brain suspected it might be too good, and the only inevitable outcome was for it to come crashing down. "Why is he always so nice?" I'd ask myself, "What is he hiding? He has to be hiding something, surely?!" Alas, those feelings eventually, thankfully, melted away. I stopped being so damn suspicious at every single turn, and I stopped basing my actually brilliant relationship off of negative things that had happened to me in the past, or that had happened to other people, or that had happened in a movie, for Christ's sake. It took some time, but eventually, I allowed myself to slide into the comfortable cadence of being in a relationship. And here we are, five years later.
there's more than just one moment.
Before getting into a long-term relationship, I used to wonder when I would know that this person could be someone that I want to stick around, with no uncertainty. What, exactly, would be the defining moment that would make me feel such a way? Would I ever feel that way? Since then, I've learned that the answer is this: there's more than just one moment. In fact, there's dozens of moments, big and small, scattered across a timeline of five years spent together. Like during our first year together, when Adam's eyes lit up at my suggestion of having our very own Breaking Bad finale party (instead of brushing me off and telling me I'm way too over the top, which I likely am, but I love him because he rolled with it). That night, we made 'meth' candy, baked a 'Heisenberg' cake and 'Heisenberg' blue cocktails, and to this day it still goes down as one of my favourite nights. Or, like the very first time we attempted shooting photos together for my blog and the 'gram. Even though I was total moody bitch (thanks, anxiety/absent self-confidence), he pep-talked me the whole way through and didn't once give up (though, I'm sure he wanted to). Or, like every single time I come home from work in a mopey mood, he's ready to cheer me up and won't rest until my mood is lifted. All of these moments, and so many more, make me fall in love with him all over again. They help me to understand that there really isn't, and couldn't be, just one defining moment when it comes to loving another person.
i'll never stop learning.
Understanding that there's more than just one moment isn't the only thing I've learned about relationships in the last five years. My relationship has truly taught me an abundance of lessons about love, and indeed about life itself. I could talk through what I've learned 'til the sun goes down, but perhaps one of the most important things, and perhaps the one most worth noting, is the surprisingly simple notion that I'm still learning, every single day, and I'll likely never stop. Even when Adam and I are old and grey, sitting in our rocking chairs, surrounded by our many, many dogs (golden retrievers, hopefully); I'm certain I'll still be learning something new about us, about our relationship, and about what it means to love another person unconditionally. And, I find comfort in that thought. We're never done learning, and that's a good thing.
So thank you, Adam. Thank you for constantly teaching me about myself, and about you, and about us. Thank you for laughing with me. And crying, too. Thank you for being my best support system. Thank you for putting up with my shit, even when I'm the mopiest, moodiest bitch you've ever met (I'm so sorry). The last five years have, in no uncertain terms, been the best of my entire life, and I wouldn't change a single second of them for the world. Here's to five years, and here's to many, many more.